I know I don't post very often and it surely isn't because I don't want to. I was having issues with logging on to the website and then have had one thing after another keep me from attempting to log on again. But, I am once again back from the crazines of it all. So very much has happened in my life in the last year that I couldn't ever have imagined my life this way had you asked a year ago.

I looked back and saw that my last post was back in August. Since August I have gotten a job. I don't find it to be an ideal job by any means but a job none the less that is allowing me a small income. That is more than I could say before August. I'm working for a joint KFC/Taco Bell and was hired to train as a manager. I am not currently a manager but am working on that. My managers are very impressed with my performance and have gone out of their ways to show me how they feel I am a fast learner and a very hard worker. That makes me feel good.

Shortly after starting at KFC I ended up with pneumonia and had to be out from work for about two weeks. I was a little worried about missing that much time but it was doctor's orders and they told me that they had seen how much I am dedicated to being a good employee that my position was never in jeopardy. Once again, this sure did a lot for my self-esteem.

I haven't worked much in the last decade because I was lucky enough to not HAVE to work outside the home and was able to stay home with the kids. I am very grateful for that. However, many circumstances in my life have changed and finding a job was necessary. The kids are still working through their feelings about me working and find it hard that I am not home all the time. I was previously working nights because it was worked into the family schedule. I am happy to say that I am switching to days and will be home at night and be able to see them more often since that is now what works best for the family schedule.

Aside from work things are keeping busy. The kids are going to school. Of course with the exception of Lilly who just turned a year old! I can't believe that she has been around for that long. Time sure flies when motherhood is involved! She is walking all over the place and has been doing this for over two months now. She has amazing balance. I have seen her sleep standing up. She is growing so fast, as are the other children. Sadly I have to take Lilly to a cardiologist on November 1st to further examine a heart murmur that hasn't gone away. I'm nervous about that. I'm sure she will be ok, but a mom worries like no other.

I turned 30 last month and I am ok with that. I was nervous about it and denying it for a while but it was because I was looking at my life in the wrong way. I was seeing how much I had NOT done instead of what I had. Now I am looking at things in a new perspective and am proud to be a mom of four beautiful children that are more wonderful than anyone can imagine. I have a High School Diploma (with honors I might add!) I am earing my own money and doing everything I can to teach my kids the value of a dollar, hard work, responsibility, sacrifice and dedication.

Lastly, I am dealing with a major life change of once again becoming a single mom. I am in the process of a divorce and am having a tough timem with it. I am doing it because it is the right thing for mine and my children's lives. I don't want to be going through this and all the emotional baggae and heartache that comes with it but I know I am doing what is best. I am currently staying with a frined of mine and her family with the kids. Everyday life is challenging since we have only been here a week and everyone involved is still adjusting to the situation.

I am lucky to have such a wonderful friend. She is helping me in so many more ways than anyone could ask and I will never be able to tell her how much it all means to me. The kids are confused with everything and are struggling to find their place and answers to questions they haven't even formulated words for yet. I can tell that this is very hard for them and I am doing all I can to make them feel that no matter what we go through, I will always be there for them. They are looking for normalcy and it isn't there to be found.

I too am struggling to find answers to questions that have no answers. I'm looking for ways to make life better each day. I'm trying hard to save money to be able to get a place of our own. I am up and down and in a whirlwind of emotion and want my head to stop spinning. I'm trying to figure out all the details of everything and roadblocks pop up at every corner. I know I will be ok (this I have held deeply in my heart and know it whether I always "feel" that way or not.) I cry, I laugh, I hug my kids tight. I feel like giving up at times and then something always pulls me back and says "you are stonger than you seem, braver than you belive, and smarter than you think you are." (BTW No I didn't write this quote but I love it!)

I know that only time will make things better and the kids will be ok. I just wish I didn't have to see them put through something that is hurting them. I know that all the decisions in life aren't always easy, in fact the ones that are the most difficult to make are the ones that are the hardest and longest to get through. I have been told many times I am a strong woman, but when can I stop being strong? There are days that I just don't want to be so strong. I am strong for my kids. I am strong for me. I am strong for the things that will make our lives the best they can. Being strong is hard, but I am beyond lucky to have the most woderful and supportive people in my life that are there for me to help keep me standing even when I want to fall.

I may still not have all the answers to everything that I need to figure out but I have got the greatest thing in the world. I have support from people even if they don't know they are supporting me. A hug from one of the kids can bandage a bad day. A smile can change a bad point of view. A kiss from them can melt away many things and a giggle can switch my day from long and rough to a moment that seems to freeze time in a moment of love and makes me forget everything for a while.

I will be ok. I know this. There are many things to figure out and many hoops to jump through, but I know without a doubt that in the end all will be ok. One step at a time. I have a reminder of this around my neck that I wear all the time. It is a necklace that I received from some friends on my 30th birthday. The front of it is a compass and inscribed on the back says "There are no shortcuts to anywhere worth going." I look forward to my future. I may be scared of the journey but excited for the destination.

Look toward your destination and you will reach it and in the mean time, hug a child for they can make anything easier to handle by the true honesty of the love they have to share.